Even when I was quite young I got to thinking that if there were millions and millions of people in the world, I couldn’t just be like one little ant in a huge nest, I had to have been put here on Earth for some reason.
It’s quite a logical assumption if you think about it. We are born, we live our lives, we die, and most people leave no lasting legacy behind them. To believe that you are pretty insignificant in the scheme of things is rather depressing, even to a child, and so I always imagined that I was here for a purpose, although I had no idea what.
It used to be that I thought I would have some religious purpose, but these days logic tells me not to believe everything that I am told literally, and my studies of ancient history and the writings of Zecharia Sitchin amongst others have left me seeing the religions of the world as little more than a way of controlling the masses and keeping them in order.
There wasn’t a schoolboy in England when I was growing up who hadn’t heard of the famous signal flown on HMS Victory by Admiral Horatio Nelson before the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, “England Expects That Every Man Will Do His Duty”.
I somewhat expected that one day when I was grown up I would either do something or invent something that would make me famous, or at least noteworthy, but alas although my career in the computer industry went up pretty fast, it then flattened out and slowly but surely went downhill, IT becoming a much tougher field to work in as technology advanced and the competitors for jobs got younger.
When I hear the word “Expectations” it also reminds me of the Charles Dickens novel “Great Expectations”, which although I have never read it, there is an old black and white movie that gave me the creeps, where the hero “Pip” meets an escaped convict in a graveyard, and also Miss Haversham in her wedding dress, and the dining room full of cobwebs, ready for a banquet that would never come. Those visions gave me bad dreams for years.
But now that time has passed on, my expectations of doing something outstanding in my life have become virtually a dream that never came true.
Here I am going on closer to sixty than I am to fifty, married for the third time, and financially worse off than I have ever been in my life. Child support for my two daughters who I love dearly, takes almost half of my earnings, and by the same token makes it almost impossible for me to even visit them even once a year because I don’t have the money.
With the need to continue to pay out a significant amount every month until they both reach 18, I am faced with having to work until I am sixty eight, unless by some miracle we win the lottery or my attempts to earn a living online begin to pay off in a big way.
What were once great expectations have now become pipe dreams, the hope that I can find a winning formula for earning money from my web sites and other enterprises, or that the book I am trying to work on will become a best seller one day, although at this point I am still trying to research the content.
I do believe that dreams and expectations change over time for most of us, but even though dreams can often fade, there is always the fleeting chance that some of them will come true.
Five years ago this did happen to me, and I did find my soul mate, someone who understands me and who makes me happier than I have ever been before. Now all I have to do is to find the answer to my financial dreams and know that our future is more secure as we both reach retirement.
This article was a project for the week for GBE2 (Global Blogging Experience) and was based on the word “Expectations”.
22 thoughts on “My Expectations Past And Present”
I love how you have stayed so positive, despite life being choppy. I fully expect to see you making a fortune on line… karma has gotta give it up at some point 😉
Life sure is a journey. Although you haven’t (yet) achieved all of your goals, having found someone who is a genuine partner in life is a huge blessing–far bigger than financial success, in my view.
You are definitely right Beth. Finding your soulmate is worth more than all the money in the world, but it does help to have enough money to get by as well.
A lot of my great expectations have joined yours in the pipe dream realm, but like you I keep plugging away hoping the best, expecting everything will come out in the wash. Well written and a great blog!
Kathy
http://www.thetruckerswife.com/
A great blog which reflects the true highs and lows of life.
Kathy
http://www.thetruckerswife.com/
I’m going to be the one to say…don’t ever let go of your dreams. I know that sounds cliche and all that…but dreams give you hope and there is always hope. 🙂 I’ll also say that it is better to be rich in love than rich in money. Money is a tool…and a necessary one…but it isn’t everything. Make a plan and a budget set small goals and pull yourself up out of debt. I never thought I would be facing the day when we were finally debt free, but we are counting months on our calendar now, not years. AND no, it hasn’t been easy…
So hang in there. Chin up!! You can do it…if you hold on to your dreams 🙂
Jenn
“Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true,
There’ll be new dreams, maybe better dreams a-plenty”
I take a success as a success, a pleasure as a pleasure, and I don’t measure against others or my old self – but I still do the lottery!
I think that it’s very true that what we thought and hoped for when younger changes as we mature and go through life… The dreams that we clung to once upon a time are altered and somehow this is okay and even often for the best. You found love!
Beautiful blog!
We can sure relate re. the chunk out of a budget for child support. Also, I relate with finding the love of your life, but for me it’s my second marriage. I still have expectations of how I may leave my mark, but I have a hunch my mark will mostly be lived out through the lives of my students and step-kids. Great to see your blog!
My dreams haven’t changed. My expectations haven’t changed either. My prayers, however, are more fervent. 60 looms closer every day and this year I will have to admit that I am 60. What I never expected was that I would still be waiting for my dreams to come true at this age. I honestly thought I’d have experienced all of them. Some of them have come true, though, and I await with expectancy the rest of them coming true.
Good post.
“…seeing the religions of the world as little more than a way of controlling the masses and keeping them in order.”
That’s exactly what I’ve come to understand too Tony, but something inside of me can’t let the idea of a higher power go. 🙂
I was looking forward to reading your post on the topic and I did enjoy it! I’m glad you found your soul-mate. Like Beth said, that, to me, is more important than any financial prosperity or burden.
I enjoyed your story! You’ve achieved success in finding the perfect companion for you~some may never find that. The economy has really hit us hard; especially someone in your situation. We have to keep hoping and you never know what tomorrow may bring!
Fantastic post. I hope Debbie read it 🙂
Such an optimistic post, Tony. I love that you found your soul mate. I hope Debbie reads this!
“…seeing the religions of the world as little more than a way of controlling the masses and keeping them in order.”
That’s exactly what I’ve come to believe as well Tony. Though, for some reason, I still choose to believe in some sort of higher power.
I think Beth is right. You’ve found a partner, a soul-mate, and to me that is more powerful than any financial prosperity or burden.
I’ve been looking forward to reading your blog, and you didn’t disappoint. I look forward to reading future installments.
The fact that you did find your soul mate would have exceeded many people’s expectations. BTW I had never heard about that message from Admiral Nelson, I guess being American, but what a thing to say, a little rude eh.
You will make your dream because I know you work hard at it and you make a lot of us happy so what could be better than that, lol.
Really love this post and the peek into your life. I sincerely hope the financial situation finds a way of working itself out for you. What I really love is your intro about thinking as a young child about the reason you were put on this earth, wanting to make your way and fulfill your purpose among the millions. Great read. I look forward to your future posts.
You have won the Versatile Blogger Award, from Beth to me to you. Pick it up here and pay it forward:
http://apiratelookspastsixty.blogspot.com/2011/05/versatile-blogger-seriously.html
Passing the versatile blogger award from Pam to me to you 🙂 Pop over to my blog to pick it up and pass it forward! http://mojowritin.blogspot.com/2011/05/passed-forward-from-pamela.html
Great self-revelation, Tony. I, too, am closer to 60 than 50 and am worse off than I’ve ever been in my life. But, I keep going, as do you. I’m more content with who I am now than I ever was – I suspect you are as well.
Very good blog which I enjoyed very much. We seem to have led parallel lives, I too worked in IT for 25 years, and have been married (and divorced) twice. Having found your soulmate is a major achievement of itself and I envy your happiness.